Posted on as my Facebook status on June 25, 2014:
I’m overweight. Obese. Morbidly obese if you want to get technical. And there’s a reason that I am. Well, several reasons. The main reason is that I don’t take care of myself. I don’t eat foods that are good for me, I don’t eat regularly unless I’m reminded, I don’t exercise enough (or much at all on any consistent basis), and I have a general sense of ‘eh’ about it on the surface. There is a core reason for this. And for why I’m posting this on Facebook for you all to critique and see.
I’m angry. I’m angry that I was unable to have what I had planned for, budgeted for, begged the gods for...children of my own. For many reasons, many outside of my control, I was never able to have children. My health was a factor, true, but it was always something that I was told could be overcome with weight loss and medication therapy. But my (now ex) husband wasn’t ready to have kids so I put off the weight loss. I did try some of the medications but they made me sick so he asked me to stop taking them. So I did.
He and I are now divorced and I have been told by doctors that I’m pretty much beyond the point of no return. My chance of successfully bearing children is in the low single digits, and that’s only if I get down to a manageable weight and nothing goes wrong. And seeing my friends, who I love dearly, holding their children in smiling family photographs makes me feel like I am somehow less of a person. I don’t judge anyone else who doesn’t have children, whether it is by choice or by chance, that’s their life. But I do judge me and I am my harshest critic.
I am angry. I am hurt. And I am done. I’ve reached the point where I am barely restraining tears at work on a regular basis, crying at home when I’m sure no one is around, and forcing myself to smile at the baby pictures when my friends show me their adorable children. I don’t want to be upset. I don’t want to be angry. I want to be able to show my friends and family that I love them and their children as much as I can, but I just can’t.
I’m broken. And I don’t know how to come back from this.
